Marianne and I met in 2005, fresh out of college and new to Philadelphia. She was born in Pittsburgh and came to Philly for City Year; I was born in Delaware and moved here with an ex-girlfriend. With our low-paying jobs, we both took on second jobs at Sisters, a lesbian bar, to make ends meet. She ran coat check and collected cover fees, while I worked as a barback and bouncer.
We became friends and reconnected a few months after we both stopped working at Sisters. I was newly single and had moved just a few blocks from her. The rest is herstory. That first summer, our new relationship was put to the test when I went to Seattle to work as a camp director, and she went to Albany to work at a summer theater. At the end of the summer, we both returned to Philly and have been here ever since.
We first formalized our life partnership in 2009, then entered a civil union in 2012, and were finally legally married in 2013. During that time, we both went back to school to become teachers. Marianne focused on elementary education, specifically science, and I planned to become a high school special education teacher. I eventually became a full-time science teacher as well. Our son, Leo, was born in 2015. We currently have five cats and a rescue hound named Franny.
I’m not sure our definition of love has changed since my diagnosis. Instead, our roles within the family have shifted. I was the head chef, dish-doer, and primary pet caretaker. Those things are no longer possible for me, so Leo has taken over as head chef, we moved into a house with a dishwasher, and Leo and Marianne now split the ENORMOUS pet responsibilities.
How we show up for each other has shifted slightly, too. I now need assistance with dressing and showering, and I repay Marianne by talking through science lessons and creating assignments she can use in her classroom. I had to resign from teaching in October, so my days are now free. I use that time to help Marianne and Leo in any way that I can.
According to Marianne, the love hasn’t changed, only the daily tasks have. I am still emotionally and mentally the same person, just inhabiting a body that has changed quite a bit over the past two years. We recently celebrated our 20-year anniversary together, and I don’t think I could navigate these changes without her support. Still, it isn’t just Marianne and Leo who show up for me. My family shows up. My friends show up. Former coworkers show up. Former students show up. Acquaintances show up. Strangers show up. This allows me to navigate this diagnosis with a sense of community despite being the only person I know personally who is navigating this unknown territory.
